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4. Take the wind out of the other person’s sails. People often enter into conflict discussions pumped up with a high degree of anger, a defense mechanism against anticipated hostility from the other party. To defuse hostility, send messages that will calm the other person and take the wind out of his sails. Offer the option of  meeting in his office or at your work area.

Avoid meeting in a public work area, because people are more likely to become ego-involved in conflicts when their peers or subordinates can overhear (ever watch children daring each other to fight in a playground?). Select a time when neither of you will feel rushed or pressured. During the discussion, avoid standing or leaning over the other person. Sit in a comfortable position, and try to relax your face and breathing. Avoid talking in a rushed or clipped manner. Offer the other person some coffee. Before responding, say to the other person, “Obviously you have a lot of strong feelings about this.

Before we go on, I want to make sure that I understand you correctly.” Often, at this point, the other party will quickly throw out a few angry points and then brace himself (you can see this in a tightening of the face and muscles) for your attack. Once again, take the wind out of his sails by summarizing what you’ve heard and then encouraging him to continue. Then briefly summarize the speaker’s key point.

5. Place disagreements within the context of agreement. During conflicts, people tend to focus on those areas on which they disagree without fully considering areas of agreement. Before commenting on any disagreement, quickly list those points on which you and your partner agree, then lead into your area of disagreement. Say something like “I feel that we are in agreement on several points,” and then list them and say, “The one area where we seem to disagree is …You seem to feel …whereas I believe that …Is that the way you see things?”

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